Trying to Eat Less

I tried to be good today. I really did.

For breakfast, I ate 70 calories of low-fat Activa yogurt. For lunch, I had a 240 calorie pasta-and-veggies Lean Cuisine-type meal. Doing great, huh? But then a coworker bought take out food to share, and I...well, I succumbed.

I did limit my portions, though. At least that's something.

I justified the extra lunch food in my mind by thinking that the yogurt and frozen food were really so low-cal that they could be considered one meal. (An extended breakfast? An interrupted brunch with a gap of a few hours in between the first and second courses? Whatever.) So the extra food was just my second meal and it wasn't too much for being a meal when considered on it's own. Right? Right.

Still, I decided to skip dinner. Just a glass of Merlot and a 100ish calorie hunk of cheese for a snack/dessert would be enough, I decided. But I was weak. There was leftover brown rice in the frig and I love rice. So I ended up also eating a big bowl of brown rice with soy sauce. And an apple. Not a horrible day maybe, but pretty bad for someone who was trying to make this one of my "good" low calorie diet days. Sigh.

Feeling Thin, Looking Fat

Perception is a tricky thing. Some days I feel disgustingly fat. But there are a few moments when I feel nearly thin. I'll reach around to rub my lower back when I'm tired, and I will notice how much firmer and smaller it feels than it used to, with muscle and bone and only a thin(ish) layer of padding. Someone will make a comment like the one a couple of days ago when I came back from a workout at the company gym on my lunch break and overheard one co-worker telling another that I "didn't need to workout." I take those moments with a grain of salt, but they do make me feel good.

And then there's yesterday.

I went hiking for my 49th birthday. I was feeling pretty fit and pretty good about the physical activity I was getting. Then I came home and looked at the photos we had taken. OH MY.

They can best be described with one word: FAT. (Although huge, enormous, and elephantine also spring to mind.)

I guess a reality check like that is needed from time to time to keep me on track with my weightloss efforts, but (ouch!) it was quite a blow to the old ego. I deleted the most horrible of the photographs immediately. (Well, after a few minutes of staring at them in shock and some hand-wringing that is.) The others will serve as a reminder that 5'6" and 128ish is not good enough.

How Did I Do?

So after posting that menu plan in the last blog post, I figure I should fess up on how well I did in following it!

Here's the original menu:

Breakfast: boiled egg with V8 juice or low-cal yogurt with almonds
Lunch: soup or diet frozen dinner
Dinner: Veggies and brown rice
Snack/dessert: square or two of dark chocolate, almonds

Here's what I actually ate:

Breakfast: low-cal yogurt with almonds
Lunch: lentil soup
Dinner: black beans and brown rice (with a small amount of melted cheese and some hot sauce & seasonings)
Snack/dessert: apple, red wine

I also walked for 15 minutes at a fast pace (14 minute miles) on the treadmill today, which isn't much but certainly better than nothing. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about the day.

Planning Ahead

Yesterday, I could have gone out to lunch with a coworker. I would have spent money I didn't need to spend and eaten a lot more than I needed to eat. Instead, because I had my lunch (and my lunch hour which included 20 minutes of fast walking)well planned, I was able to resist.

I am trying to have an eating plan everyday. Some days that plan will include going out to eat, but not on such a regular basis that it breaks my diet or my bank account.

On an idea day, here's what my goal menu looks like:

Breakfast: boiled egg with V8 juice or low-cal yogurt with almonds
Lunch: soup or diet frozen dinner
Dinner: Veggies and brown rice
Snack/dessert: square or two of dark chocolate, almonds

Right now, that menu is an ideal that I do not reach on more days than I do, unfortunately, but I figure that even accomplishing it on some days is better than on none. I am trying and I am getting better at it, and planning is the key for me.

Thinspiration or Depression?

Watching the preternaturally perky -- and thin -- actress Amy Adams in "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" at the movies last night, something occurred to me. When I am in what I call a thin state of mind (eating lightly, exercising, losing weight or at least feeling good about my prospects for losing weight) seeing skinny people inspires me. It makes me want that kind of body, the kind that can wear anything and look good, the kind that can be seen or photographed from any angle without looking fat, and it helps me keep working toward it. It's thinspiration.

On the other hand, when I am overeating, not exercising, and feeling down and hopeless about my size, seeing slim people just makes me mad. Or sad. Mad at myself for not being thin the way they are. Sad that I might never look like them. Jealous, envious, depressed, and full of self-loathing.

It's like being a little poor kid, seeing the local Richie Rich kid playing with amazing toys, wanting them with all your heart, and not having them. Except that unlike the child who needs someone else to buy her those toys, this is something I can get myself. I can have a better, healthier body if I work hard enough and long enough. I can achieve my weight goals. But no one else is going to do it for me. And it won't happen unless I work at it every day. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I get thin.

Incidental Exercise -- Why Not?

I recently read that an office worker who jiggles his or her foot or does some other incidental little nervous motion off and on during the work day burns about 75 more calories per day than someone who doesn't. That's not much, but it adds up over the course of a month or a year or several years. (And we are in this for the long haul, are we not?)

Since reading that, I've been noticing people at my work. Some basically sit still for eight hours a day. Other stand up, sit down, stretch, wiggle, pace, etc. The latter has got to be healthier.

I'm trying to add more movement to my day -- both the little wiggles and jiggles and tics and flexes and stretches, and the more deliberate exercises. One way I am adding movement/exercise is by doing it just *whenever*. In other words, I don't wait until I have a 30 minute chunk of time to exercise. Some days, that 30 minute chunk is just never going to come. Instead, I can walk during my 15 minute break or work out for 20 minutes of my lunch hour. Why not do squats while I brush my teeth? Why not do lunges while I wait for something to heat in the microwave? Why not stretch while I watch TV?

Once upon a time, I watched two hours of TV every Thursday night and stretched for the whole two hours on a regular basis. (Well, for a whole TV season, anyway!) I was as flexible as I've ever been. It was relaxing and it felt good. It burned calories. Why not?

Eating is Not the Cure

OK, so how does this declaring myself back on track work? Well, not so great. I did go to the gym yesterday, but only for a quick 14 minute mile on the treadmill. Still, working under the theory that something is better than nothing, that was, um, something, at least.

However my eating was still out of control. My supervisor at work brought chocolate chip cookies and moonpies and I ate one of each. One of those two items might not have been so bad as a once-in-a-good-while treat IF the rest of my eating had been good for the day, but that wasn't the case.

Today, I'll go back to the gym. I'll refuse the junk sweets. I'll ease back into my healthy lifestyle. Because I have to. I have to because the other way does NOT make me feel good physically. It does NOT make me feel good about myself either, I've learned. Eating is NOT the cure for my depression, it only depresses me worse in the long run.

confession

I have been depressed and, yes, eating way too much. I am back up to 130 pounds and mad at myself. I have been trying/waiting to get re-motivated. No more waiting. I am declaring myself back on track.