Pendulum Swings

One day I eat well, two days I overeat. I pigged out Saturday, fasted Sunday, pigged out Monday. Obviously, I am having a hard time with consistency. Except for consistency with my exercising: I am consistently doing very little working out. Arggghh. Gotta work on that.

Perceptions and Misperceptions

The Nashville Film Festival featured lots of movies, lots of parties, and lots and lots and LOTS of free food and drinks. It's awfully hard for a cheapskate like me to turn down free food and drink, especially very yummy free food and drink. From the daily dishes provided by Whole Foods (one of the festival sponsors) in the VIP tent, to the buffets at receptions and parties that were catered by some of Nashville's best restaurants, I sampled it all.

One dangerous misperception that I have stuck in my head is that food tastes better when it's free. Another, even more dangerous one, is that free food calories -- like out-of-town calories, vacation calories, and party calories -- don't count!

These misperceptions were just as guilty as hunger or the attractiveness of the food in leading me into days of over-eating at the film festival. (And at least one night of over-drinking, but that's another story entirely.)

Another perception that gave me the title of this post is the feeling of being thin or fat which may or may not not be based in reality. I've had a couple of doctor appointments recently (don't worry, I'll live) and with each of them came a dreaded weigh-in. I say 'dreaded' because these weigh-ins came after all that over-eating at the film fest. I went to the first appointment knowing that I had been pigging out and feeling like a big blob of lard. Well, actually that perception was right: I weighed in at 132 pounds. Yipes!

I'd like to say that was a wake up call, but I continued to overeat and under-exercise for a few more days. Finally, I started getting my act together again just before my second doctor appointment. I went to that one feeling thin and pretty good: I weighed in at 131 pounds. (Actually, also yipes!)

Now, I know for a fact that the one pound difference did not make that much difference in the real world outside my own mind. I doubt if anyone but me could even notice it. But in my perception it loomed large.

How is it possible that I felt fat at 132 and thin at 131? All perception. Because I knew that I had been pigging out and not talking care of myself I felt huge and horrible at my first weigh-in. Because I had started taking care of myself again, I felt thinner and fit at my second weigh-in; I could have sworn that even my pants were looser.

The other aspect of this, is that my perception caused the one pound weight loss to make me feel not only thinner, but hopeful, back on track, and confident. That, in turn, has since helped me to really get myself back on track. (Believe it or not, I actually fasted today for only the second time in my life -- more about that in a later post.)

Bottom line is that perception is a mighty, mighty thing. I will have to harness it for good, not evil -- that is, to help me lose weight, not gain.

Trying to Eat Less

I tried to be good today. I really did.

For breakfast, I ate 70 calories of low-fat Activa yogurt. For lunch, I had a 240 calorie pasta-and-veggies Lean Cuisine-type meal. Doing great, huh? But then a coworker bought take out food to share, and I...well, I succumbed.

I did limit my portions, though. At least that's something.

I justified the extra lunch food in my mind by thinking that the yogurt and frozen food were really so low-cal that they could be considered one meal. (An extended breakfast? An interrupted brunch with a gap of a few hours in between the first and second courses? Whatever.) So the extra food was just my second meal and it wasn't too much for being a meal when considered on it's own. Right? Right.

Still, I decided to skip dinner. Just a glass of Merlot and a 100ish calorie hunk of cheese for a snack/dessert would be enough, I decided. But I was weak. There was leftover brown rice in the frig and I love rice. So I ended up also eating a big bowl of brown rice with soy sauce. And an apple. Not a horrible day maybe, but pretty bad for someone who was trying to make this one of my "good" low calorie diet days. Sigh.

Feeling Thin, Looking Fat

Perception is a tricky thing. Some days I feel disgustingly fat. But there are a few moments when I feel nearly thin. I'll reach around to rub my lower back when I'm tired, and I will notice how much firmer and smaller it feels than it used to, with muscle and bone and only a thin(ish) layer of padding. Someone will make a comment like the one a couple of days ago when I came back from a workout at the company gym on my lunch break and overheard one co-worker telling another that I "didn't need to workout." I take those moments with a grain of salt, but they do make me feel good.

And then there's yesterday.

I went hiking for my 49th birthday. I was feeling pretty fit and pretty good about the physical activity I was getting. Then I came home and looked at the photos we had taken. OH MY.

They can best be described with one word: FAT. (Although huge, enormous, and elephantine also spring to mind.)

I guess a reality check like that is needed from time to time to keep me on track with my weightloss efforts, but (ouch!) it was quite a blow to the old ego. I deleted the most horrible of the photographs immediately. (Well, after a few minutes of staring at them in shock and some hand-wringing that is.) The others will serve as a reminder that 5'6" and 128ish is not good enough.

Thinspiration or Depression?

Watching the preternaturally perky -- and thin -- actress Amy Adams in "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" at the movies last night, something occurred to me. When I am in what I call a thin state of mind (eating lightly, exercising, losing weight or at least feeling good about my prospects for losing weight) seeing skinny people inspires me. It makes me want that kind of body, the kind that can wear anything and look good, the kind that can be seen or photographed from any angle without looking fat, and it helps me keep working toward it. It's thinspiration.

On the other hand, when I am overeating, not exercising, and feeling down and hopeless about my size, seeing slim people just makes me mad. Or sad. Mad at myself for not being thin the way they are. Sad that I might never look like them. Jealous, envious, depressed, and full of self-loathing.

It's like being a little poor kid, seeing the local Richie Rich kid playing with amazing toys, wanting them with all your heart, and not having them. Except that unlike the child who needs someone else to buy her those toys, this is something I can get myself. I can have a better, healthier body if I work hard enough and long enough. I can achieve my weight goals. But no one else is going to do it for me. And it won't happen unless I work at it every day. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I get thin.

Eating is Not the Cure

OK, so how does this declaring myself back on track work? Well, not so great. I did go to the gym yesterday, but only for a quick 14 minute mile on the treadmill. Still, working under the theory that something is better than nothing, that was, um, something, at least.

However my eating was still out of control. My supervisor at work brought chocolate chip cookies and moonpies and I ate one of each. One of those two items might not have been so bad as a once-in-a-good-while treat IF the rest of my eating had been good for the day, but that wasn't the case.

Today, I'll go back to the gym. I'll refuse the junk sweets. I'll ease back into my healthy lifestyle. Because I have to. I have to because the other way does NOT make me feel good physically. It does NOT make me feel good about myself either, I've learned. Eating is NOT the cure for my depression, it only depresses me worse in the long run.

confession

I have been depressed and, yes, eating way too much. I am back up to 130 pounds and mad at myself. I have been trying/waiting to get re-motivated. No more waiting. I am declaring myself back on track.

Itty-Bitty Valentine Victory

Thank goodness the Valentine's candy is all gone!

You can't always control what food you are given, but you can (usually, hopefully) control what you eat. Yesterday, I exerted my control by throwing away the remainder of the gift box of assorted chocolates.

Before you start thinking that this was a truly amazing sacrifice on my part, I have to confess that I had already eaten all of the really, really good kinds. Still, in the past, I have been known to keep the marginally good and even the downright icky candies around, until, in a moment of weakness or maybe a fit of hunger, I would eat them anyway.

So even though I still ate too much Valentine's Day candy, at least I ate only the candies that I truly wanted. Throwing out the candy that I didn't really want, but might have eaten anyway if it was lying around, is a step forward, a small victory on the road to thinness.

Ups and Downs

Week before last, I worked lots of overtime and also went to the gym almost every day, sometimes twice a day. (It's at my work, so I can go for short sessions before work and during lunch.) I bought a pair of skinny pants and was awfully pleased with myself.

Last week, I crashed, was depressed, and didn't work out at all. I also overate all week. I can still wear my skinny pants, but they are snugger now, so I don't feel very skinny in them.

This week, I am aiming for a happy medium. Why is this so hard?

Storing Up Fat for the Winter?

Yesterday, driving to work in the bright sunshine at 9:30 AM, it was 15 degrees F. Brr.

I hate the cold, and not least because it makes me want to overeat. Not only does it make me want to overeat, but it makes me want to overeat the wrong foods. Believe me, when it is 15 outside, I am not craving apples. I am craving fattening, cheesy, heavy stuff. (Actually, I take back the line about not craving apples: what I should have said is that I don't crave crunchy, fresh, plain apples. I do crave them if they are baked into a state of mushiness and smothered in butter and sugar. Ha.)

So what do I do? Move to a warmer climate? Maybe all those skinny actresses in Southern California have it easier there because it never gets all that cold!!!!!

Actually, I think I've hit on the right answer. I do need to move. But not as in 'move to a new part of the globe.' Move, as in 'exercise.'

Last week I started using the treadmill at the gym. I had not been able to do that for a while due to high blood pressure (190 over 120+ at its worst), but now that's sort of under control due me finally giving in and taking meds, I can do more moving. And I promise to actually make myself do it and not wait until 'the spirit moves me,' as my Grandma used to say.

We'll see. And hopefully, if I do enough moving on a regular enough basis I'll see some results. It should warm me up, at least!

Skinny State of Mind

One thing I'm going to do on this blog is offer weight loss tips that have helped me. Here's the first: I've found that to lose fat, I have to keep it in my consciousness, to be aware of it pretty much all the time; in other words, I have to stay in a skinny state of mind.

If I lose that focus, I find myself mindlessly eating.

To keep from doing that, I find that it helps to do things like look at photos of thin people for inspiration, think about the great fashions I can wear when I'm slimmer, plan what I eat in advance, and imagine getting compliments and positive attention for being slim.

Of course, sometimes just pinching myself at the waist and feeling that fat is enough to remind me to get back on track. ;-)