Trying to Eat Less

I tried to be good today. I really did.

For breakfast, I ate 70 calories of low-fat Activa yogurt. For lunch, I had a 240 calorie pasta-and-veggies Lean Cuisine-type meal. Doing great, huh? But then a coworker bought take out food to share, and I...well, I succumbed.

I did limit my portions, though. At least that's something.

I justified the extra lunch food in my mind by thinking that the yogurt and frozen food were really so low-cal that they could be considered one meal. (An extended breakfast? An interrupted brunch with a gap of a few hours in between the first and second courses? Whatever.) So the extra food was just my second meal and it wasn't too much for being a meal when considered on it's own. Right? Right.

Still, I decided to skip dinner. Just a glass of Merlot and a 100ish calorie hunk of cheese for a snack/dessert would be enough, I decided. But I was weak. There was leftover brown rice in the frig and I love rice. So I ended up also eating a big bowl of brown rice with soy sauce. And an apple. Not a horrible day maybe, but pretty bad for someone who was trying to make this one of my "good" low calorie diet days. Sigh.

Feeling Thin, Looking Fat

Perception is a tricky thing. Some days I feel disgustingly fat. But there are a few moments when I feel nearly thin. I'll reach around to rub my lower back when I'm tired, and I will notice how much firmer and smaller it feels than it used to, with muscle and bone and only a thin(ish) layer of padding. Someone will make a comment like the one a couple of days ago when I came back from a workout at the company gym on my lunch break and overheard one co-worker telling another that I "didn't need to workout." I take those moments with a grain of salt, but they do make me feel good.

And then there's yesterday.

I went hiking for my 49th birthday. I was feeling pretty fit and pretty good about the physical activity I was getting. Then I came home and looked at the photos we had taken. OH MY.

They can best be described with one word: FAT. (Although huge, enormous, and elephantine also spring to mind.)

I guess a reality check like that is needed from time to time to keep me on track with my weightloss efforts, but (ouch!) it was quite a blow to the old ego. I deleted the most horrible of the photographs immediately. (Well, after a few minutes of staring at them in shock and some hand-wringing that is.) The others will serve as a reminder that 5'6" and 128ish is not good enough.

How Did I Do?

So after posting that menu plan in the last blog post, I figure I should fess up on how well I did in following it!

Here's the original menu:

Breakfast: boiled egg with V8 juice or low-cal yogurt with almonds
Lunch: soup or diet frozen dinner
Dinner: Veggies and brown rice
Snack/dessert: square or two of dark chocolate, almonds

Here's what I actually ate:

Breakfast: low-cal yogurt with almonds
Lunch: lentil soup
Dinner: black beans and brown rice (with a small amount of melted cheese and some hot sauce & seasonings)
Snack/dessert: apple, red wine

I also walked for 15 minutes at a fast pace (14 minute miles) on the treadmill today, which isn't much but certainly better than nothing. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about the day.

Planning Ahead

Yesterday, I could have gone out to lunch with a coworker. I would have spent money I didn't need to spend and eaten a lot more than I needed to eat. Instead, because I had my lunch (and my lunch hour which included 20 minutes of fast walking)well planned, I was able to resist.

I am trying to have an eating plan everyday. Some days that plan will include going out to eat, but not on such a regular basis that it breaks my diet or my bank account.

On an idea day, here's what my goal menu looks like:

Breakfast: boiled egg with V8 juice or low-cal yogurt with almonds
Lunch: soup or diet frozen dinner
Dinner: Veggies and brown rice
Snack/dessert: square or two of dark chocolate, almonds

Right now, that menu is an ideal that I do not reach on more days than I do, unfortunately, but I figure that even accomplishing it on some days is better than on none. I am trying and I am getting better at it, and planning is the key for me.

Thinspiration or Depression?

Watching the preternaturally perky -- and thin -- actress Amy Adams in "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" at the movies last night, something occurred to me. When I am in what I call a thin state of mind (eating lightly, exercising, losing weight or at least feeling good about my prospects for losing weight) seeing skinny people inspires me. It makes me want that kind of body, the kind that can wear anything and look good, the kind that can be seen or photographed from any angle without looking fat, and it helps me keep working toward it. It's thinspiration.

On the other hand, when I am overeating, not exercising, and feeling down and hopeless about my size, seeing slim people just makes me mad. Or sad. Mad at myself for not being thin the way they are. Sad that I might never look like them. Jealous, envious, depressed, and full of self-loathing.

It's like being a little poor kid, seeing the local Richie Rich kid playing with amazing toys, wanting them with all your heart, and not having them. Except that unlike the child who needs someone else to buy her those toys, this is something I can get myself. I can have a better, healthier body if I work hard enough and long enough. I can achieve my weight goals. But no one else is going to do it for me. And it won't happen unless I work at it every day. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I get thin.

Incidental Exercise -- Why Not?

I recently read that an office worker who jiggles his or her foot or does some other incidental little nervous motion off and on during the work day burns about 75 more calories per day than someone who doesn't. That's not much, but it adds up over the course of a month or a year or several years. (And we are in this for the long haul, are we not?)

Since reading that, I've been noticing people at my work. Some basically sit still for eight hours a day. Other stand up, sit down, stretch, wiggle, pace, etc. The latter has got to be healthier.

I'm trying to add more movement to my day -- both the little wiggles and jiggles and tics and flexes and stretches, and the more deliberate exercises. One way I am adding movement/exercise is by doing it just *whenever*. In other words, I don't wait until I have a 30 minute chunk of time to exercise. Some days, that 30 minute chunk is just never going to come. Instead, I can walk during my 15 minute break or work out for 20 minutes of my lunch hour. Why not do squats while I brush my teeth? Why not do lunges while I wait for something to heat in the microwave? Why not stretch while I watch TV?

Once upon a time, I watched two hours of TV every Thursday night and stretched for the whole two hours on a regular basis. (Well, for a whole TV season, anyway!) I was as flexible as I've ever been. It was relaxing and it felt good. It burned calories. Why not?

Eating is Not the Cure

OK, so how does this declaring myself back on track work? Well, not so great. I did go to the gym yesterday, but only for a quick 14 minute mile on the treadmill. Still, working under the theory that something is better than nothing, that was, um, something, at least.

However my eating was still out of control. My supervisor at work brought chocolate chip cookies and moonpies and I ate one of each. One of those two items might not have been so bad as a once-in-a-good-while treat IF the rest of my eating had been good for the day, but that wasn't the case.

Today, I'll go back to the gym. I'll refuse the junk sweets. I'll ease back into my healthy lifestyle. Because I have to. I have to because the other way does NOT make me feel good physically. It does NOT make me feel good about myself either, I've learned. Eating is NOT the cure for my depression, it only depresses me worse in the long run.

confession

I have been depressed and, yes, eating way too much. I am back up to 130 pounds and mad at myself. I have been trying/waiting to get re-motivated. No more waiting. I am declaring myself back on track.

Itty-Bitty Valentine Victory

Thank goodness the Valentine's candy is all gone!

You can't always control what food you are given, but you can (usually, hopefully) control what you eat. Yesterday, I exerted my control by throwing away the remainder of the gift box of assorted chocolates.

Before you start thinking that this was a truly amazing sacrifice on my part, I have to confess that I had already eaten all of the really, really good kinds. Still, in the past, I have been known to keep the marginally good and even the downright icky candies around, until, in a moment of weakness or maybe a fit of hunger, I would eat them anyway.

So even though I still ate too much Valentine's Day candy, at least I ate only the candies that I truly wanted. Throwing out the candy that I didn't really want, but might have eaten anyway if it was lying around, is a step forward, a small victory on the road to thinness.

Apparel Angst

OK, I admit it: One reason I want to be thin is to wear more interesting clothes. And look good while doing so. (That last part is pretty important. It's entirely possible to be thin but, er, a tad TOO interesting, like Bai Ling here):



Let me just go ahead and come all the way out: I am a closet (no pun intended) fashion addict. I read gofugyourself.com daily. I watch Project Runway while on the treadmill. I pour over the photo sets from Fashion Week, especially the Couture shows. I haunt the local thrift stores to find creative clothing combos without spending much cash. This is all a HUGE change from when *I* was huge and hated, hated, hated, HATED shopping.

But today I had a seriously angst-y moment at the Goodwill Super Store. There was this dress, you see, this cute, clingy, interestingly orange dress. Just the kind I like. In a size "small." Make that in a size "too small."

It almost, but not quite, fit. Ten pounds from now, I will be able to wear it. But right now, it shows every morsel of food that has passed my lips and been added onto my belly in the last three weeks of less-than-stellar adherence to my fitness plan.

The dress could look great with the right necklace, the right shoes, and the RIGHT FREAKIN' BODY. None of which I have right now. But all of which I could have, may have, (dare I say, will have?) in the future.

I didn't buy the dress. But I'm going to keep an eye on it; if the Goodwill store has a half-price sale, it's mine. In the meantime, I'm using it for thinspiration.

Comfort Me With...Exercise?

In my last post, "Comfort me with Apples," I wrote that I needed better (i.e. less fattening) comfort foods. But the best thing would be to find my comfort in something other than food.

I've noticed that I always feel better -- more energetic, less stressed -- after exercising, so why not use exercise for comfort? I decided to try that today.

I was extremely stressed out at work. There have been times in the past when I've reacted to that stress by indulging in extra food at lunch, maybe even telling myself that I "deserved" fast food, or junk food, or to pig out at a restaurant.

When I overeat like that due to stress, or depression, or being upset (the list goes on!), it is an attempt to self-medicate. I know that, but still sometimes do it. But today I decided to try exercise as my self-medication.

During my lunch hour, I went to the gym and got on the treadmill. I only spent about twenty minutes walking at a fast pace, but it got my heartrate up and my blood flowing and, sure enough, it made me feel better. In other words, it worked. My stress went down.

Forget the apples. Comfort me with exercise!

Comfort Me With Apples

The Bible says "comfort me with apples" in the Song Of Solomon. So why do my comfort foods always involve cheese?!

Or chocolate? Or carbs with fat, like grits with butter, or mashed potatoes with cream, or rice with cheese melted on top?

There are people who can't eat when they are upset. I am NOT one of those people. (I’ve tried to be, believe me.) In fact, I tend to want to eat more when I am upset. Just recognizing that tendency has helped me combat it, but I still need to learn to be comforted by something other than food. Or at least by a smaller amount of food. Or maybe I need comfort foods that are less caloric.

Maybe I should try apples, like the Bible says. According to realage.com , eating a fruit that is high in fiber and water before (or instead of) eating something else is a proven weight-loss helper. The fiber and water are filling and satisfying in the belly and the chewy crunchiness is satisfying to the mouth.

The same source also recommends eating eggs instead of some similar-caloried breakfast or snack food because something about them fills you up better. A study showed that people who eat an egg at breakfast actually eat less at lunch than if they had eaten something else.

So maybe my new comfort foods are going to be eggs and apples. The dangerous temptation for me in that, is that they both go way too well with cheese!

Ups and Downs

Week before last, I worked lots of overtime and also went to the gym almost every day, sometimes twice a day. (It's at my work, so I can go for short sessions before work and during lunch.) I bought a pair of skinny pants and was awfully pleased with myself.

Last week, I crashed, was depressed, and didn't work out at all. I also overate all week. I can still wear my skinny pants, but they are snugger now, so I don't feel very skinny in them.

This week, I am aiming for a happy medium. Why is this so hard?

More on "How to Look Good Naked"

I forgot to mention this on my post the other day about the reality show "How to Look Good Naked," but I got a hoot out of it and you might, too:
One of the commercials during the show was for Slimfast...which was followed immediately by a commercial for Chips Ahoy cookies.

How's that for a mixed message? Maybe it's no wonder that so many of us are so mixed up about food and weight issues.

Great link for We Calorie Counters

Calorielab.com is a really useful resource, especially for finding out how many calories are in your favorite restaurant foods.

Warning: they may not be your favorite restaurant foods after you find out!

It is mind-boggling to see just how fattening some innocent looking morsels are. (Goodbye, Sonic onion rings, 'twas nice to know ye.)

"Let's Put the 'U' back in 'Beauty'!"

Yes, that was one of the cheesy quotes that I heard tonight on a reality show called "How to Look Good Naked." (And I do *not* mean "cheesy" in a warm, melty, mouth-wateringly good way.)

The premise of the show seems to be to they take a woman who has a bad body image, give her a make-over, and -- viola! -- cure all her body image woes.

Yeah, right.

So they (and the "they" in this case is mostly just host Carson Kressley of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" fame) cure a woman's bad self-esteem about her looks by, um, changing her looks? Not sure that's the way it works in real life, folks.

Anyway, the most interesting part of the show for me is when they have the subject choose where she thinks she fits into a lineup of ladies in order of size. The subjects invariably think that they are larger than they really are.

That part, at least, hit home for me because I do think that I sometimes feel larger than I am. On days when I have eaten more than intended or exercised less, I feel very blob-ish, no matter what the scale says.

The other day, I was pigging out at lunch at work with some coworkers. I was *not* feeling very slim. But as I was walking away from the table, I overheard one coworker comment to another that I was "so small."

Now, I'm not, really...but it sure gave me a different perspective to hear that. 124 pounds is large compared to where I want to be, weight-wise, but it is "so small" compared to the U.S. average for my height. (See US Government Height/Weight Stats It is also "so small" compared to what I once weighed. So I guess I should put it in perspective and feel better about it.

This perspective business is quite the balancing act: feeling good enough about my weight to be have a decent body image, but not so good that I forget to strive to be better. Yikes. If I find the answer to that puzzler, I'll sure let you know! It is not as simple in reality as it seems on a reality show.

Storing Up Fat for the Winter?

Yesterday, driving to work in the bright sunshine at 9:30 AM, it was 15 degrees F. Brr.

I hate the cold, and not least because it makes me want to overeat. Not only does it make me want to overeat, but it makes me want to overeat the wrong foods. Believe me, when it is 15 outside, I am not craving apples. I am craving fattening, cheesy, heavy stuff. (Actually, I take back the line about not craving apples: what I should have said is that I don't crave crunchy, fresh, plain apples. I do crave them if they are baked into a state of mushiness and smothered in butter and sugar. Ha.)

So what do I do? Move to a warmer climate? Maybe all those skinny actresses in Southern California have it easier there because it never gets all that cold!!!!!

Actually, I think I've hit on the right answer. I do need to move. But not as in 'move to a new part of the globe.' Move, as in 'exercise.'

Last week I started using the treadmill at the gym. I had not been able to do that for a while due to high blood pressure (190 over 120+ at its worst), but now that's sort of under control due me finally giving in and taking meds, I can do more moving. And I promise to actually make myself do it and not wait until 'the spirit moves me,' as my Grandma used to say.

We'll see. And hopefully, if I do enough moving on a regular enough basis I'll see some results. It should warm me up, at least!

TOO BIG, ya hear? TOO BIG!

I just finished sorting through a bunch of old clothes. Yeah, I know, it's another thrilling Saturday night at my house! Whoo-hoo! In my defense, it is going down to 14 freaking Fahrenheit degrees here tonight, so even though I hear a movie theater and a live musical show both calling my name, the thought of going out into the cold is seriously not appealing. (The show, by the way, is the Doyle and Debbie show -- see http://www.doyleanddebbie.com/. Heard of them? No? Don't worry, you will when they hit Broadway.)

Anyhow, I ended up putting a lot of the clothes that I was going through into a give-away pile because they are TOO BIG. Man, what a goooood feeling to give away clothes because they are TOO BIG! (Did I mention enough times that they are TOO BIG? They are TOO BIG. Yes, TOO BIG. LOL!)

So I'm a pretty happy camper right now! Sometimes it doesn't take much. :-)

What 124 lbs looks like

OK, I'm going to be brave here and post a photo showing my current look (124 lbs, 5'6" tall). I think the arms & legs are OK, size-wise (although a little toning will definitely help!), but the belly is still WAAAAY too thick. That's what I'm hoping to get rid of by accomplishing my weight loss and fitness goals.

(I am very nervous about posting this, so no flames or mean comments, please.)

Skinny Goodness

If food is good -- really, really, REALLY good -- I can be happy eating less of it. I know that sounds bass-ackwards, but I find it to be true. "Gourmet" fare is just more satisfying.

I am dangerously likely to binge on average, everyday cheese and chocolate, for example, but savoring a high-end, intensely flavorful artisanal cheese or a piece of rich, dark imported chocolate satisfies my taste buds so completely that I don't need nearly as much to feel sated.

And, hey, since eating less of the good stuff is the only way that I can actually afford it, that's probably a good thing for my bank account as well as my belly. :-)